Immaterial Girl

I've been using the word overstimulation to describe what happens to me when there is too much noise, too much to focus on, too much light, too strong a smell, or too much of any stimulation. My skin is paper. All the veins in my body spill over. Static moves into my bones, gathers inside my skull. It's like the Blue Screen of PC Death, that moment when your computer shuts down utterly and completely. Sometimes I really do feel like I'm dying.

Overstimulation hurts. The stimulation just drills into you and you can't stop it or tolerate it. And it's not pretty. Your brain is basically shouting FULL SYSTEM FAILURE and your instincts kick in to stop the stimulation, to get away from it. I've cried in public, yelled at my friends, spent my fair share of time curled up between the bed and the wall, curled up in closets, curled up in cars, literally ran away from some places.

I can't tell you how many classes I've missed in my life. It's a lot. I've come to realize that I can't make definite plans or follow through on promised acts because there's always the chance that I will need to spend a great deal of time with all of the lights off, underneath a blanket in my silent room. I've skipped plenty of meals because I couldn't stand the noise and confusion of the cafeteria. I've spent time in an unheated car in the middle of winter. I have a great deal of difficulty handling jobs and assignments: whether or not I can actually work a 9-5 job is a legitimate concern of mine. When I had a roommate at Wellesley there were days where I could not function because my roommate was in the room for long stretches of time and that was enough to dissolve me. And I really do mean dissolve: my sense of self and ability to think are drowned out by a sense of silent white static.

I cease to be a human being and become a ghost who just needs to be left alone.

It all colors your view of other people. When just having another person in the room begins to drain your mana you begin to resent people. People will also tell you that you are lazy, weak, spoiled. I know people who can work constantly with high levels of stimulation, and it's something I've pushed myself and been pushed to try to mimic, and it's unfathomable.

Your achievements can be "I was able to eat, bathe, brush my teeth, get dressed, attend class, focus for a while on schoolwork, and hold a few normal conversations." Those can all be -- and have been -- great exertions of energy and focus and sources of stimulation. For me, some days even being able to do half of that is a victory. For many other people it's just a baseline.

It's enough that I really do wish sometimes that something would come spirit me away from myself.

#mentalhealth #overstimulation