So You Want To Own Some Guinea Pigs

There are a few things I've learned that I'm prepared to pass on to you all, future captains of the united guinea pig hordes. I hope that you will benefit from my struggles over the past two years of cavy-keeping and maybe dodge a bullet or two. Guinea pigs are strange, finicky little things, but they're a great investment of time, energy, and patience. Other guides will tell you what to feed pigs, how to set their bedding, how to calm them for bathing. I'm going to tell you a few things I wasn't expecting to learn over these last many months.

Like how many times you're going to be lied to.

#1: You will enter a world of deception.

Guinea pigs aren't pigs. They're not from any place called Guinea. They will insist that they haven't been fed in weeks when you've just shelled out fresh peppers for the lot of them. And of course they will play innocent when it comes to any midnight shenanigans you catch them at. But the "not pigs" and "not from any place called Guinea" things are what keeps me up at night. A creature lies twice in its very name, how are you supposed to trust it afterwards? And we haven't even gotten to the whole boar-pretends-to-be-a-female caper that Mulder the father of many pulled.

#2: You will never be able to eat a salad alone again.

Guinea pigs love things that crunch. Seeds, lettuce, kale, peppers, apples, pears, all of it. Anything that will make an audible sound when you put it in your mouth will be something that your guinea pig will want in on too, even if you are halfway across the house behind a closed door. They will squeak in happy anticipation.

Related to that:

#3: Your guinea pigs will learn any and all sounds even remotely related to you getting them food.

The rustling of a plastic bag? The sound of a door opening or closing? The sound of you shifting in bed? Your guinea pigs will know that all of these are linked to food going into their little toothy mouths. They will squeak in happy anticipation.

From these first few points, I'm sure that you can deduce that a) Guinea pigs love food, and b) Guinea pigs squeak. A lot.

A lot.

Every single time there's the slightest hint of food or water, guinea pigs will sound off in a chorus of feed-me-feed-me-feed-me-feed-me.

I have eleven guinea pigs now. At the height of the guinea pig population, those guinea pigs numbered eighteen: one secret agent male, a half-dozen mothers of surprise litters, and then the surprise litters themselves. We set them up in cages all over the room, each mother with her pups. And each time you so much as creaked the floorboards anywhere near this den of pigs, all eighteen of them began to call out. Squeak, wheek, chirp, purr -- guinea pigs have an impressive range of vocalizations, and each guinea pig has their own individual voice. Altogether it became a sing-a-long celebrating the joy of imminent munchies.

#4: You will cede claim to your left shoulder.

Guinea pigs love being help perched up on your shoulder. All of my guinea pigs prefer the left one. If I try to put them on the right shoulder they do their best to crawl over to the left one. If you put them in your lap they will often just put their paws on your stomach and beg to be put up on your shoulder. I don't know what it is about the shoulder, specifically, that they all like. Maybe my left shoulder smells better? Maybe they're just used, as a species, to being held there? One of the guinea pigs thought, whoa, hey, this is awesome, and transmitted the message to the rest via some special guinea pig telepathy? It's enough to make you wonder what all that squeaking is really about.

#5: Guinea pigs explore with their mouths.

These little things are prey animals. They have whiskers and sensitive noses, but one of their greatest exploration tools is their mouths. Biting is a way they test their surroundings to see what's out there.

This means that they lick and bite. A lot. They don't necessarily hurt or draw blood -- if you've ever been nipped by a cat, you'll survive being nipped by a cavy -- but they can surprise you. Their teeth are pretty long and sharp, sharp enough that fighting guinea pigs can deal some serious damage.

That shoulder-holding I mentioned earlier? Guinea pigs can fit their teeth around your collar bones and pull at your shirt. Feeding time? They'll test out your fingers to see just how carrot-like you really are. Frightened by fireworks? They actually tend to hunker down and purr when startled, but the next thing many of them do is test their immediate surroundings. Lick, lick, lick, lick, chomp.

#6: Guinea pigs appear to like the guitar.

I'm trying to teach myself to play the guitar. This sentence is synonymous with "I'm trying to terrorize my family with my guitar" as far as the human life forms aboard this home are concerned, but the guinea pigs have taken a liking to my strumming. Strum long enough, and the guinea pigs nearby will perk up and purr. They don't do it all the time -- I can't fault them for not giving me universal positive reinforcement -- but they do it often enough that I've started testing them. They look around when guitars play on iTunes as opposed to pianos, for instance. Weird coincidence or guinea pig life hack? Get a guitar and a guinea pig or two and try it out yourself. Empirical evidence is important to the scientific process.

#guineapigs