Thoughts At 7:25 PM

I will be married precisely one month from now.

September without school is incredibly different. No existentialist dread or desperate desire to run far, far away, no: it's been a slow month of cooling days and cricket-filled nights. I have spent so many Septembers grimly digging my heels in for the coming year that this doen't feel like September at all. I go outside at dusk and watch the sky take on that pale teal and amber spectrum and feel like I can breathe.

Trying to survive classes and schoolwork on top of depression and overstimulation and obsessions is not a good way to live. It's not any way to live. It becomes a nightmare. Letting go of that part of my life, that go go go pressure, in contrast, has been an act of unlearning. One of many.

I missed my medication not long ago. The effect was intense: once again I was fragile and aching and full of needles and nothing. It's a little disconcerning to realize that my body and brain depend on few little pills, that all that can bring me apart is a day's forgetfulness. People sneer at medication, but medication is life-saving. The day I began to take mine was the day I started reassembling myself.

A friend came over today. She, my fiancé and I sat on the couches while the evening grew dark, tuning the mandolin and passing around the guitars and listening to Welcome To The Black Parade played tentatively on the ukelele.

It is peaceful. Imagine that, going days without intense sensory stimulation and untreated mental health issues is peaceful. Who knew.

I solved another puzzle yesterday, freeing myself up to work further on the book. It's flowing now, that smooth and electrifying flow that I've always had to cut short. I've caught myself still strangling it off. Habit, I suppose. Recognizing that I can flow, that I have the chance to flow, is something my brain is still trying to grasp. These days are still full of pockets of strangeness, places I can wander away from what I've been trying to think and do and remember.

I began studying a few new things today, nothing intense, just some cursory notes, and I was actually and honestly surprised at how good it felt. Learning without deadlines, without stimulation, without a sense of stress, is a new moment for me. It fills like clearing away dirt and ash to reveal some green growing thing, little leaves beginning to unfurl in the air.

#mentalhealth