Four In Four

Yesterday was the fourth-month anniversary of Jack's and my first full day of marriage. It's been a wild ride of milkshakes, late nights, pagan holidays, and revelations that some of my guinea pigs like my husband more than they like me. I wanted to share four things that I've learned since then.

#1: A Marriage Is A Shared Space

Jack and I decided, when we married, to share all of our possessions. All of our things have gone from "mine" and "his" to "our." We also decided to combine our funds to create a household account that we both contribute to and that we both decide, together, what to do with. It's been the process of giving up the concept of "my" things and creating this mental bubble for "our" things. Joint ownership means joint responsibility: for cleanliness, for repairs, and for order.

This takes a lot of the pressure off of managing shared space, I think. Instead of having tension between "my money" and "my partner's money", and "things I need" versus "things he needs," you have "our money" and "things we need to allocate that money towards." Instead of organizing space with "my possessions" and "his possessions," you now have a pool of "our possessions" to arrange. It's been a little weird to get used to, at first, but we are settling into this new arrangement.

#2: Keep Dating

It's important to keep dating your spouse. I've heard that that's what a lot of people miss giving up the most in a marriage: that first-date sparkle, the excitement of getting to know someone new, of seeing all those new possibilities open up before you. It's important to work hard to keep those embers warm after you commit to marriage.

Ask your spouse for a date to the bookstore, to a coffee shop, to the movies, to wherever you like to go. Take the opportunity to dress up, if you can, when you two go out (if you struggle with depression, like me, this is also a good opportunity to make sure you're keeping up with clean clothes). Keep updated on your spouse's likes and interests and ask after them. Regularly look up new information to share and new subjects to talk about, and, if possible, find new things to do together. It'll keep the ongoing conversation of a marriage fresh and interesting, which can only benefit both partners.

#3: Have Your Personal Time

It's important to split your time up into personal time, time just for you, and shared time, time with your spouse. This is especially important for us, since I need time to turn off as many sources of light and sound and interaction as possible to recover from daily stimulation. Even if you don't share this struggle, though, you'll still need time to preserve your sense of "you", check in on your own health, and spend time alone.

Don't be afraid to set these kind of boundaries: personal time is important. Have your own interests and hobbies: it's cool if your partner shares them, but they can make for engaging and fulfilling time alone.

#4: It's Okay To Disagree

You don't need to agree on everything. Your spouse has a difference perspective than you do and works within the frame of different life experiences. If you two disagree, listen to both what your spouse believes and the reasons that motivate that belief. Disagreement doesn't need to be a source of anger or tension, although it's important to acknowledge those feelings if they arise. Differences of opinion give you an opportunity to learn more about your partner and yourself. Also, you shouldn't feel pressured to agree with your spouse just to agree with your spouse: personal variety adds to the richness of two people's shared experiences.

#marriage