Methylphenidate

I switched up my medications yet again with my doctor some time ago, adding one and reducing another, trying to find that magic balancing act. Starting medication isn't a magical cure, normalcy in one great swoop: it's the beginning of a long and tangled search for that right blend that will help the most and hurt the least. This latest change was a mixed bag: the good parts were good, the bad parts were worse. I admit this entire process can be seriously discouraging. The idea of there being no medication out there that can help, though -- that's worse.

It's graduation season on my Facebook page, which serves as a not-so-gentle reminder of all the struggling I've been doing with my own education. I'm still on leave from school. It'll take me a while to get back into the classroom, first because I need to nail down my medication regimen, second because Jack and I need to get settled in our new home before I can plan to take more classes. I'm doing my best to be patient with myself. It's just that I spent literally my entire childhood being prepped for college, and to just have that goal be entirely derailed has been a total upheaval.

When I have children, I want there to be other goals in their educational lives besides college, college, college. I want them to enjoy learning for its own sake, not because they're being grilled for a standardized test. I would want them to have access to any health care that they needed. My experiences have really fueled my interest in homeschooling and alternative schooling, even though that's a ways off for Jack and me. I've studied enough psychology to be aware of the idea of adults trying to re-do their mistakes through their kids. I'm not surprised that I've latched on to this. Maybe some good will come out of it. At the very least I'm getting a good deal of reading in.

I know firsthand that you can't "just power through" a mental illness. You can't just keep going no matter what, the same way you can't write with a broken finger. I've tried to do both of these things. It went just as well as you would expect.

I've learned a lot about being patient. It's a difficult quality to cultivate. Mindfulness is a way to cope with obsessiveness: just experiencing the obsession, allowing yourself to have it, and ultimately doing your best to not act on it. My therapist and I sit during our sessions and work on simple meditations, trying to make it a habit with me. I have to admit that I'm pretty bad at it, but I'm trying.

Isn't that what counts?

#medication #mentalhealth